JOKE: BLONDE DETECTIVES

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.
"This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two?
Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."
He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.
"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

READING: SHIP WRECKED

The hurricane came unexpectedly.
The ship went down and was lost.
The man foundhimself swept up on the shore of an island with noother people, no supplies, nothing to do.
Only bananas and coconuts.
So for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.
He fixed his gaze on the sea,hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous womanhe had ever seen.
She rowed up to him.In disbelief, he asked her:"Where did you come from?How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said.
"I didn't know anyoneelse survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboatdidn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused."Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman.
"I made the rowboat out of materialsthat I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branchesand the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man.
"You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the other side of the island there is a very unusualrock formation exposed.
I found that if I firedit to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron.
I used that for tools,and used the tools to make the hardware."
"But enough of that," she said.
"Where do you live?"Sheepishly, he confessed that he had beensleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boatat a small wharf.
As the man looked to the shore,he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walkleading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboatwith an expertly woven hemp rope,the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house,she said casually,"It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed.
"I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied.
"I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?]
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything,the man went into the bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastenedonto it's end.
"This woman is amazing," he thought.
"What next?"
When he returned, she greeted himwearing nothing but vinesand smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him,"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You mean--?" he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?"

CLEAN JOKES

Who should make the coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
-Woody Allen.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two peopleremembering the same thing." -Duane Dewel.

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the onethat's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
-Helen Rowland

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in thehope of pulling out an eel." -Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't likeand give her a house." -Lewis Grizzard.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out towhom it may concern." -Mickey Rooney.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
-Johnny Carson

QUOTES

“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
-John Wesley

All u have to decide is what to do with time that's given to you.
-Micheal Carleon(The Godfather)

Whatever comes our way...whatever battle we've reaching inside us. we always have a choice.it's choices that make us who we're and we can always choose to do what's right!
-Peter Parker(Spiderman 3)

"Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm".

"The best answer to anger is silence".

"Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence".

"If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple.But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange theseideas, then each of us will have two ideas."
-George Bernard Shaw

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
George Bernard Shaw

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good."
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

“I am not what I seem…I am nothing but a dream”
~Kurt Cobain

Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out.
~Italian Proverb

A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain.
~Arabian Proverb

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
Albert Einstein

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
- Groucho Marx

Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you`re gonna get.
-Forrest Gump

Be sure you choose what you believe and know why you believe it, because if you don't choose your beliefs, you may be certain that some belief, and probably not a very creditable one, will choose you.
Robertson Davies

THE GIRL AND HER FATHER

Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.
The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter,
"Sweetheart, please hold my hand sothat you don't fall into the river."
The little girl said,"No, Dad. You hold my hand."
"What's the difference?"Asked the puzzled father.
"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.
"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."
In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond.
"So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expectingthem to hold urs...
this story tells many things...
u just need to understandthe meaning rest depends on u "

NICE SENTENCES

My thirst for knowledge will nerve be quenched.
I have read such nice sentences which I didn't hesitate to blog.
Check them out.

I met money one day. I said, "You are just a piece of paper." Money smiled and said, "Of course I'm a piece of paper, but I haven't seen a dustbin yet, in my life".

"The Greeks never wrote obituaries, they just asked one question when a man died ... Did he have passion?"

"The Sweet isn't as sweet without the bitter"

OSCAR AWARDS

How charming is the red carpet!! Lights, famous actors... lot of flash, glamour,...
If you love Oscar like me you should read all the information I found in this blog 100 Things about Oscar Awards.
Go to: techblogbiz.blogspot.com

CLICHÉ

A cliché (from French, klɪ'ʃe) is a phrase, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty, especially when at some time it was considered distinctively forceful or novel. The term is generally used in a negative context. (Wikipedia)

I sometimes use a cliché in informal language. Not knowinh them is much more embarrassing.

Here goes a list of some famous clichés.
Good study and good luck.

crunch time
not a ghost of a chance
fool's gold
up to scratch
No good deed goes unpunished
putting a bug is someone's ear
if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen
I got your goose.
on the spur of the moment
making a bad decision is better then making no decision at all
give him the ax
make hay while the sun shines
pull out all the stops
there's more than one way to kill a cat than choking it with butter.
get on a high horse
in a twinkling of an eye
Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor
to have a knack for it
Can't get there from here.
A barrel of laughs
hit the nail on the head
they devoured him like a pack of wolves
Intet er saa daarligt, at det ikke er godt for noget !
like counting sheep
The more things change, the more they stay the same
hard and fast rule
What the Dilly Yo
Hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch
like greased lightning
those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
to have a bone to pick with you
if the price is right
get the guts to do something about it
good-for-nothing
make the best of a bad bargain
alas and alack
running around like a chicken with it's head cut off
pipe down
Time is of the essence.
falling apart like a cornbread turd
busier than a one-armed paper hanger
has her cap set for him
time on my hands
spin like a top
dressed to kill
one good deed deserves another
Easier than government work
shots ring out
come to grief
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
One brick short of a load (reference to being stupid)
your past might catch up with you
time to kill
drop the pilot
punch the clock
the wheat belt
draw the long bow
under the thumb
eat your heart out
I don't like the cut of his jib
See the world through rose colored glasses
you can run but you can't hide
sleep in the buff
speak for yourself
it'll all come out in the wash
live off the fat of the land
waste not want not
Not shabby
long row to hoe
turn the corner
No good deed goes unpunished
thick as a brick
make or break
can't see the forest for the trees
life is not hard, it only needs some positive thinking
the race is not to the swift
mad as a wet hen
You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough.
hear some gossip or rumor
Doesn't know his arse from his elbow.
Hell's Angel
the best-laid schemes
hop on over to my house
Damn skippy
pull a rabbit out of the hat
by leaps and bounds
may you be a half hour in heaven before the devil knows your gone
all his dogs aren't barking
three sheets in the wind
wreak havoc
can't hit the broad side of a barn
fly in the ointment
hold at bay
well and good
dutch uncle
dead letter
one good deed deserves another
shoot the breeze
know the ropes
settle old scores
get the sack
the chickens come home to roost
spill beans
lose your temper
not all beer and skittles
the price of success
cast aspersions
great open spaces
smell a rat
Silk on a Sow is just a well dressed pig
a close call
pleased as punch
getting dogged
well's run dry
to have a knack for it
a friend in need is a friend indeed
has her cap set for him
broken heart
two shakes of a lamb's tail
to a T
Run it up the flagpole and see who slautes it.
it's the best/greatest thing since sliced bread
Hurry dog eats raw meat.
too tired to sleep
some people get all the breaks
Another day, another dollar!
the world goes to shit when I don’t do this first
sport of kings
worth its weight in gold
getting to the top
had eyes that would burn a hole right through you
Act in haste, repent at leisure
lose your sense of humor
wend one's way
busy as a cat on a hot tin roof
it's raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock
one eyed jack
you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes
just between you and me
when all is said and done
chicken out
no thanks to you
If this is living, I'd rather be dead.
weed (marijauna)
stewed to the gills
waste not want not
up in arms
improve each shining hour
couldn't care less
I need your help like I need a migrane.
He was dead upfront with me.
strain at a nat and swallow a camel
with a full head of steam
would you like some cheese with that whine
I'm Off like a prom dress
bevy of beauties
I will survive
fat cat
lose your sense of humor
act like a monkey in the zoo
Cold as ice
like a red flag to a bull
if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen
back to the drawing board
had love in his eyes and lust in his heart
Tighter than a bulls ass
all wool and a yard wide
empty the baby out with the bathwater
she wears the pants
getting dogged
you'll never know if you don't try
at least it was a very interesting experience
every man jack
knee-high to a grasshopper
life is life
there will come a day when all the work is finished or when it is too late to finish it
as helpful as a screen door on a submarine
dry as a nun's nana
apple-pie order
give a wide berth to
A chink in the armor
young enough to be his daughter
bust loose
Wound up tighter than an 8 day clock
trim one's sails
high-water mark
fox guarding the henhouse
scared out of his wits
That will be the day when I die
belt him in the mouth
play dead like a possum
The cat's whisker
long in the tooth
at the crack of dawn
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
the power behind the throne
babe in the woods
the game is worth the candle
won't work a lick
No shit, sherlock
blood is thicker than water
hard and fast
tell a white lie
when push comes to shove
clear the air
you can decide your own life, dont worry about others
never up, never in
demonstrates a sense of fair play
go it alone
The older the violin, the sweeter the music
life is so short, I want to experience as much as possible
A chink in the armor
quick off the mark
don't rub where there's already a rash
success begets success
don't judge a book by its cover
Why me? Why is it always me?
worn to a frazzle
hell has no fury like a woman scorned
don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
Hit the mute button on him/her.
pick and choose
you can't make orange juice outa lemons
When you lie with dogs you get fleas.
bite the hand that feeds you
do a bad turn
laugh out of the other side of your mouth
quick off the mark
faster than a speeding bullet
We're all here 'cause we're not all there
hotter than a three pecked goat in a field full of nannies
A rose by any other name is still a rose.
shooter's touch (basketball cliche)
odds and ends
toe the line
touch and go
obtained a black eye over something(meaning a loss of reputation or respect)
cried all the way to the bank
Any old stocking can find a old shoe
a stitch in time save nine
not what it's cracked up to be
love comes around while doing things you like
whatever floats your boat
bust in the chops
needle in a haystack
live to a ripe old age
lie down if you don't have to sit down
eat your heart out
on the lamt
there's no business like show business
getting to the top
up and about
life sucks, and then you die...
A day late and a dollar short!
hide your light under a bushel
she goes through money like a fart through a pair of jeans.
A friend in need is a pest.
chicken hearted
change of heart
it was poetic justice
money talks
didn't like the color of his money
don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
pick and choose
comes to worst
give and take
turn something into a zoo
go hat in hand
you and who's army?
everything there is a season
by and large
rough and tumble
Piss out the fire, call the dogs, and lets go home.
great open spaces
ain't that just the cats pjamas
blind ambition
talk it up
neat as a pin
One hand doesn't always know what the other is doing.
pour the baby out with the bathwater
Why me? Why is it always me?
bred and buttered
boob tube (TV)
crazy as a bed bug
Take a chill pill
slicker than a wet weasel on a linoleum floor
All over like a mad woman's piss
filthy lucre
peel the onion one layer at a time
more power to you
fat farm
hammer out the details
dead as a doornail
ace up his sleeve
we're not laughing at you were laughing with you
my lips are sealed
at the end of the day
out and out
ace up his sleeve
Mind the Gap
don't rock the boat
throw modesty to the winds
go a round or two
cold as a witch's teat
meaner than a striped snake
wet one's whistle
return to the fold
if the shoe fits, wear it
the price of success
take pen in hand
get the lead out
he got screwed (cheated)
skeleton in the closet
bust in the mouth
had eyes that would pierce right through you
be-all and end-all
no rest for the wicked
It ain't broke. Don't fix it.
far from the madding crowd
an old dog for a hard road
get out of the sack and get to work
eagle eye
the tales will be long and many
win at all costs
best bib and Tucker
he don't know crap from crisco
No shit, sherlock
fool's gold
give short shrift
It never rains, it pours

SMILEY

Smileys are a strange and fun Internet phenomenon, more correctly known as emoticons, which have the purpose of conveying emotion. They are used particularly in online chat rooms and in e-mails.

There are no strict rules for composing smileys, and so numerous varieties have been invented and are in use. The principle is to create a face (viewed by tipping the head to the side) using standard keyboard characters and punctuation.

A typical smiley would be constructed from a colon or equals sign for eyes, a hyphen or "O" as a nose, and a bracket forming the mouth. Examples of different happy smileys are shown below:
:-) : ) :o) =O)
Not all smileys are smiley, though; here are some sad ones:
:-( :( :0( =o(

Here is a selection of other smileys with their meanings:
:o) happy

:o# lips are sealed

:o( sad

>:o frowning

;o) winking

:o hmm

oO yawning

:o9 licking lips

: * kiss

Xo) cross eyed

:oP sticking tongue out

(:o) bald

:~( crying

:o)> has a beard

:oD laughing

:o)' drooling

(o: left handed

8o) wearing glasses

C:o) wearing a bowler hat

[:o) wearing headphones

FROM: fun-with-words.com