JOKE: BLONDE DETECTIVES

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.
"This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two?
Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."
He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.
"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

READING: SHIP WRECKED

The hurricane came unexpectedly.
The ship went down and was lost.
The man foundhimself swept up on the shore of an island with noother people, no supplies, nothing to do.
Only bananas and coconuts.
So for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.
He fixed his gaze on the sea,hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous womanhe had ever seen.
She rowed up to him.In disbelief, he asked her:"Where did you come from?How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said.
"I didn't know anyoneelse survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboatdidn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused."Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman.
"I made the rowboat out of materialsthat I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branchesand the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man.
"You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the other side of the island there is a very unusualrock formation exposed.
I found that if I firedit to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron.
I used that for tools,and used the tools to make the hardware."
"But enough of that," she said.
"Where do you live?"Sheepishly, he confessed that he had beensleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boatat a small wharf.
As the man looked to the shore,he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walkleading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboatwith an expertly woven hemp rope,the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house,she said casually,"It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed.
"I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied.
"I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?]
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything,the man went into the bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastenedonto it's end.
"This woman is amazing," he thought.
"What next?"
When he returned, she greeted himwearing nothing but vinesand smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him,"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You mean--?" he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?"

CLEAN JOKES

Who should make the coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
-Woody Allen.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two peopleremembering the same thing." -Duane Dewel.

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the onethat's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
-Helen Rowland

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in thehope of pulling out an eel." -Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't likeand give her a house." -Lewis Grizzard.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out towhom it may concern." -Mickey Rooney.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
-Rodney Dangerfield.

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
-Johnny Carson

QUOTES

“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
-John Wesley

All u have to decide is what to do with time that's given to you.
-Micheal Carleon(The Godfather)

Whatever comes our way...whatever battle we've reaching inside us. we always have a choice.it's choices that make us who we're and we can always choose to do what's right!
-Peter Parker(Spiderman 3)

"Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm".

"The best answer to anger is silence".

"Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence".

"If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple.But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange theseideas, then each of us will have two ideas."
-George Bernard Shaw

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
George Bernard Shaw

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good."
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

“I am not what I seem…I am nothing but a dream”
~Kurt Cobain

Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out.
~Italian Proverb

A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain.
~Arabian Proverb

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
- Albert Einstein

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
Albert Einstein

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
- Groucho Marx

Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you`re gonna get.
-Forrest Gump

Be sure you choose what you believe and know why you believe it, because if you don't choose your beliefs, you may be certain that some belief, and probably not a very creditable one, will choose you.
Robertson Davies

THE GIRL AND HER FATHER

Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.
The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter,
"Sweetheart, please hold my hand sothat you don't fall into the river."
The little girl said,"No, Dad. You hold my hand."
"What's the difference?"Asked the puzzled father.
"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.
"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."
In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond.
"So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expectingthem to hold urs...
this story tells many things...
u just need to understandthe meaning rest depends on u "